13 Tips to build your Emotional Intelligence

What is Emotional Intelligence?

In short, it’s a different way of being smart than the traditional measure of IQ.  It about how you manage yourself, your emotions and your relationships with others.

Building our Emotional Intelligence (EI) helps us to be more resilient and is ultimately more of a predictor of career success and achievement than IQ.

Daniel Goleman’s [Psychologist, Author and Science Journalist] research is just one of many showing the correlation between outstanding leadership and high levels of emotional intelligence.

The good news is – EI is all developable at any point in life. It’s a core facet running through all of our training programmes for leaders, even when we don’t specifically reference it as an outcome.

One of the quickest ways we can start developing EI at any time is by becoming aware of the component parts and to take some simple steps do build them.
I’ve found the most accessible way to do this is by focussing on the 4 domains coined by Goleman.

The 4 EI quadrants

Self-awareness:

This is the ability to understand your feelings and how they shape your perceptions, thoughts and impulse to act. When you’re self-aware, you’re able to tune in to what’s happening in the present moment.

You’re also able to anticipate how are you’re likely to respond in certain situations or with certain people, aware of the impact you’re likely to have on others. Without self-awareness, you’re likely to struggle with the other 3 domains. If you’re high in self-awareness, you’ll have the ability to excel across the board.

Self-management:

Knowing what we’re likely to do is one thing. Managing how we express that is another. This is about the ability to handle upsetting emotions so they don’t disrupt your focus, and to choose our responses and behaviour. E.g. remaining calm in a challenging situation or reigning in frustration. We all have the choice how we show up in any moment!

Self-management also includes 3 other capabilities:

• A positive outlook. Ability to stay optimistic and view situations as ‘glass half full’
  
• Adaptability, a growth mindset. Knowing that you and others have the ability to improve – and working on that.
  
• Goal orientation. Able to stay focussed on your goals despite distractions or challenges.

You can see how self-awareness plays a part here. Without it, we might not understand some of our saboteurs (like procrastination, keeping us from achieving goals), or see how our mindset is limiting our potential.

Social awareness:

This is our ability to gauge what’s going on around us, observe others and appreciate their needs, emotions and perspectives (empathy). This is about really tuning in to people who are team members, peers, stakeholders and leaders and having the ability to communicate in a way that resonates with them.

There are 3 elements to empathy:

• Cognitive empathy: Understand their perspectives and walking a mile in their shoes. Communicate with people in a way they understand.
  
• Emotional empathy: Understanding someone’s feelings.
  
• Caring: Once you understand their perspective and how they’re feeling, you demonstrate that you’re concerned for them or care about them, which creates huge trust.

Building this area has a profound effect on your ability to build trust with others, which is a critical element of both influence and leadership.

Relationship management:

The final domain is what we see outwardly in day to day in interactions with others. The ability to lead others well, communicate clearly, collaborate, negotiate, influence, develop others, deal with conflict.

In a nutshell – can you get work done well through other people?

Are you a good team-player? (No matter what your job level: we’re talking C-Suite teams to Frontline teams).

Can you inspire and develop them to give their best?

How to build your Emotional Intelligence

There could be a variety of reasons why it doesn’t come easily to you, ranging from your own background, experiences and upbringing, neurodivergence, working preferences or simply being new to the concept.

The key to remember is that it is all developable with conscious thought and practise.

Having a range of strategies and scripts like the 13 below can be a game changer. You could also share the link to this blog post with Chat GPT and ask it to generate specific strategies and scripts for you, based on what you find most challenging and why.

Developing Self-awareness:

Use a structured emotional check-in before or after meetings.

• “Before my next meeting, I’ll take a minute to check in: Am I feeling tense, calm, distracted?”

Recognise early warning signs of stress or overload.

• “I notice that when I start avoiding emails, it usually means I’m overwhelmed.”

If unsure, ask a trusted colleague for specific feedback.

• “I’m not sure how I came across in that meeting—did I seem frustrated, or just focused?”
  

Developing Self-management:

Use pre-set phrases when emotions are running high.

• “I need a moment to think before I respond.”
  
• “This is an important conversation, so I want to process before giving my thoughts.”

Have a structured ‘reset’ routine after stressful moments.

• “After back-to-back meetings, I’ll take 10 minutes to reset.”
  
• “When I feel overwhelmed, I’ll step outside for fresh air instead of pushing through.”

Manage impulsivity with time buffers.

• “I’ll set a 10-minute delay before sending an email when I’m frustrated.”
  
• “If I feel the urge to interrupt, I’ll write my thought down and wait for a pause.”
  

Reframe your outlook.

• “What’s the positive way to view this?”
  
• “How else could I look at it?”
  

Developing Social awareness:

Clarify social cues instead of guessing.

• “I want to check I understood, are you frustrated with the situation, or with my suggestion?”
  
• “You seemed quieter than usual, are you okay, or just focused?”
  
• “I want to make sure I’m picking up the team’s mood. How’s everyone feeling about the plan?”

Ask directly for feedback instead of relying on non-verbal cues.

• “I want to make sure I’m communicating well, how did my approach come across to you?”

Use direct but open-ended questions to gauge team emotions.

• “How do you feel about the pace of this project? Do we need to adjust anything?”
  
• “Would you prefer more structure in our meetings, or do you like the flexibility?”
  

Developing Relationship management:

Use structured ways to build relationships instead of relying on spontaneous conversations.

• “Let’s start each team meeting with a quick check-in: What’s one win and one challenge this week?”
  
• “I’m not always great at small talk, but I want to get to know you. What’s something you enjoy outside of work?”

Use scripts to soften direct feedback.

• Instead of: “This report is wrong.”
  Try: “I noticed some details that might need adjusting, let’s review them together.”
  
• Instead of: “I don’t agree.”
  Try: “I see it differently, can we explore both perspectives?”

If networking feels forced, make it purposeful.

• “I struggle with networking events, but I’d love a 1:1 coffee chat to learn more about your work.”

Practise makes progress

Emotional Intelligence isn’t just a ‘nice to have’, it’s a core component of great leadership, strong relationships and personal resilience. It’s a core skill that makes everything so much easier …

It helps you stay calm under pressure, build trust more quickly, navigate tricky conversations and connect with people in a way that makes a fundamental difference. It’s one of the most valuable areas to invest your time into.

And as you know, it’s all learnable.

It might be worthwhile stopping a moment and reflecting on what difference it could make for you, your life and your career to strengthen your EI. It’s easy to read a quick blog, think ‘that’s interesting’ and do nothing differently.

If you’re not yet convinced of the difference it could make, perhaps dig a little deeper.

Read one of Daniel Goleman’s books, like: Emotional intelligence: Why it can matter more than IQ. Random House Publishing Group. Or dip into some other articles.

7 habits of emotionally intelligent people. Very Well Mind.  

To be happier at work, invest more in your relationships. Harvard Business Review.

The value of emotional intelligence for leaders. Forbes.com.

Consider just one thing you’ll commit to do. Make it laughably small and easy, but oh so specific. So that you’ll know with certainty when you’ve done it.

You don’t need to meditate on a mountain or have superhuman self-control. Maybe just commit to pausing in the next team meeting next time you feel compelled to share your perspective, and instead of sharing yours, first demonstrate that you’ve listened to and heard the other person.

With some curiosity, reflection and a few smart strategies, you’ll build your EI bit by bit. And the ripple effect at work (and beyond) is huge. Many leaders have told me that when they’ve implemented some of this at home, their family relationships have improved exponentially.